There was a time when I was always so afraid of not being accepted and that kept me in my prison for a long time. I couldn't write as I wanted to,couldn't speak as I wanted to,always trying to tone down the intensity of my words to suit the opinion of others. Always wanting to please at my own detriment, overworking myself to meet the deadline of those who wouldn't even bother to meet mine even if I gave them a thousand years. I'd give without restrictions and even get punished for it, I'd cry on my bunk at night so no one would hear. Someone would hurt me and i would try to justify their actions. I stutter a little and this brought about low self esteem, I missed out on a lot of opportunities in high school then cause the words always just happened to cease when they were needed most. After a while, I concluded everyone was out to get me so I raised the gates of my prison wall. No one was going to come in but I wasn't getting out either. Time after time I'd watched people I secretly admired make fun of me. I was that short, plump girl with fat legs who wore glasses and had freckles. So love was totally out of it for me, I just depended on my brains to give me some bit of significance, but guess what? Sometimes they failed me too. I remember taking one of my results home and getting the popular question, "The person that took first, how many heads does he have?", I had come second that term and it had seemed like a great achievement for me then but I guess it wasn't for my parents at all. I don't blame them at all, I know they were only looking out for me, being naija parents as typical of them and I love them very much. But it just seemed like i couldnt get anything right. Since my dad wanted a boy so much,I decided I'd be a tomboy on campus but of course life happened again and I had to sit at home for a year. For every mistake I made like breaking a plate asking for more food or sleeping too much, I had to be reminded that my mates were in school. My heart was breaking inside but no one could know.
I had my prison walls for protection so I thought. I prided myself in not crying for anyone or anything even when there were times when my heart was breaking inside and I was at the brink of tears. The goal was pretend till you become it.
Then like a thunderbolt taking me unawares, someone happened. I had served in the fellowship in secondary school but I had never really had a personal relationship. I knew there was a God up there somewhere and I had to obey and serve him cause hell wasn't exactly an exciting place to be in. Then I began to read things from the bible that I had never imagined, that God loved me no matter what, that I was good enough, that he'd be with me at all times even in my failures and mistakes, in my tears and uncertainties. I was amazed,how could I afford to say no. I don't know how my legs carried themselves up as I sat there in my moment of indecisiveness and the closer I got to the altar, the more convinced I was that it was the right thing to do.
And since then, my life has never remained the same. Now don't get me wrong, it hasn't been a roller coaster ride all the way but now I had someone and something I didn't have before, the G-factor. I'm not a perfect person wearing a white gown and floating on air...lol, but at least am not where i used to be. I can say no when necessary without feeling guilty, I've found strength in my tears. No one can ever make me feel less than I am. Hello?! I'm so precious somebody had to die for me. Ain't waiting for nobody from nowhere to come and make me feel loved, I am loved already! I just can't keep my mouth shut, stuttering or no stuttering cause my prison walls have been broken!
A lot of people like I was have tried to find their worth from mundane things that can never satisfy. Some derive their worth from the clothes they were, their financial status, friends or cliques, achievements and so on but these things eventually fade. There is someone that never fades, a cup that never runs dry as one of my favorite songs put it, and he's calling out for you to come drink and get your fill.
Whenever I start to feel inadequate or begin to wonder why a part of my body is this way or that way, I have a close friend who always tells me, "Judith, God made you in the best way you could ever be" And that's the truth. Funny how am now looking for that weight I so much wanted to shed back then. I even want my fairness campus sun took away from me back even if its with the freckles. I've come to understand that life is in phases, things will not always be the way they are. Learn from them and move on.
Try to reach out to others, that girl you're condemning for being a slay queen, the one you think is pompous or snobbish, you don't know her story. That guy they always make jest of in class, church or even at your workplace, you don't know what damage its causing him. Don't cause more problems for someone, be a solution instead. Never look down on anyone, don't humiliate just because its in your power to do so at that moment. You'd be so amazed at how quickly the tables turn.
Always remember, your best is yet to come.
Yours truthfully,
Kikioma
Daughter of a King
I had my prison walls for protection so I thought. I prided myself in not crying for anyone or anything even when there were times when my heart was breaking inside and I was at the brink of tears. The goal was pretend till you become it.
Then like a thunderbolt taking me unawares, someone happened. I had served in the fellowship in secondary school but I had never really had a personal relationship. I knew there was a God up there somewhere and I had to obey and serve him cause hell wasn't exactly an exciting place to be in. Then I began to read things from the bible that I had never imagined, that God loved me no matter what, that I was good enough, that he'd be with me at all times even in my failures and mistakes, in my tears and uncertainties. I was amazed,how could I afford to say no. I don't know how my legs carried themselves up as I sat there in my moment of indecisiveness and the closer I got to the altar, the more convinced I was that it was the right thing to do.
And since then, my life has never remained the same. Now don't get me wrong, it hasn't been a roller coaster ride all the way but now I had someone and something I didn't have before, the G-factor. I'm not a perfect person wearing a white gown and floating on air...lol, but at least am not where i used to be. I can say no when necessary without feeling guilty, I've found strength in my tears. No one can ever make me feel less than I am. Hello?! I'm so precious somebody had to die for me. Ain't waiting for nobody from nowhere to come and make me feel loved, I am loved already! I just can't keep my mouth shut, stuttering or no stuttering cause my prison walls have been broken!
A lot of people like I was have tried to find their worth from mundane things that can never satisfy. Some derive their worth from the clothes they were, their financial status, friends or cliques, achievements and so on but these things eventually fade. There is someone that never fades, a cup that never runs dry as one of my favorite songs put it, and he's calling out for you to come drink and get your fill.
Whenever I start to feel inadequate or begin to wonder why a part of my body is this way or that way, I have a close friend who always tells me, "Judith, God made you in the best way you could ever be" And that's the truth. Funny how am now looking for that weight I so much wanted to shed back then. I even want my fairness campus sun took away from me back even if its with the freckles. I've come to understand that life is in phases, things will not always be the way they are. Learn from them and move on.
Try to reach out to others, that girl you're condemning for being a slay queen, the one you think is pompous or snobbish, you don't know her story. That guy they always make jest of in class, church or even at your workplace, you don't know what damage its causing him. Don't cause more problems for someone, be a solution instead. Never look down on anyone, don't humiliate just because its in your power to do so at that moment. You'd be so amazed at how quickly the tables turn.
Always remember, your best is yet to come.
Yours truthfully,
Kikioma
Daughter of a King
Ñïçë piece
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