My Faith Trials

It's been a long time since I was in the lair. I guess adulthood caught up with me as trying to juggle many other things made me put this aspect of my writing on hold. Now it feels so weird trying to put my thoughts together, well cause there are a lot of them, dancing in my head! 

Well, a lot has happened to me as I know has happened to you as well. But never did I imagine my mom dying as part of the "a lot". It's been over three months now but on some days, I imagine I'm still dreaming. And all of a sudden the enormity of what happened hits me, sucking out my breath as I come to terms with reality. Asides from the pain and depression I've had to deal with, I think what has come the most under attack is my faith. 

She had been ill for some months and we had prayed so earnestly for her recovery. Death was never a possible option in our minds. I confessed the word, I sowed seeds, I prayed morning and night, and I cried and pleaded with God not to take her away. In her final days at the hospital, while she slipped in and out of unconsciousness, I was battling exhaustion, sleep deprivation, and borderline hallucinating. I walked the streets of LUTH till my legs couldn't carry me. Omo! I couldn't help but wonder at that point if God really existed. 

I wanted to go into a wide empty space and just scream at Him, no words, just screaming and screaming and venting out my frustrations. Four days after moving from hospital to hospital and finally settling at one, she passed. The issue of the Nigerian health care system is a story for another day. Immediately after the doctors broke the news to us, I zoned out. I was numb. I could feel nothing as I slumped into the hands of my partner. Yet, the question came again, Does God really exist? 

In the following days, I would get accustomed to regular phrases, attempts at trying to make you feel better, poor attempts but attempts all the same. I would nod my head and smile, attempting to put up a brave face while my heart was screaming responses no one else could hear 

"God knows best"; Oh does He?

"It was her time"; Oh, it was?" 

"The Lord giveth and the Lord taketh .."; Hmmmm

"She's in heaven now"; No, I want her here on earth, with me! 

"Take heart, you have to be strong"; I don't want to be strong, I want to crumble in a heap and cry

I know that these words were attempts from friends and family to offer comfort but I was just too numb to take any of it. And yet a question kept ringing, Where is God? It had changed from did he really exist to wondering where He was in the midst of my pain. I know like I know my name that there is a God in heaven but at those points, it sure didn't feel like it. 

I believe searching for God right in the middle of such unbearable pain helped me get through really dark times. When the pain was so raw I could feel its choking in my throat and clumps in my chest, I turned to the word, to devotionals on grief and disappointment (thank you Youversion) cause boy was I disappointed! I felt like God had let me down. 

But…

I found help, better put this way, Grace found me. Grace got me and has been getting me through those valley moments. His grace has orchestrated divine conversations and caused me to come in contact with bible verses, materials, songs, and people who have helped make the journey a little easier. It felt good to know that God was feeling what I felt and was holding me by the hand through it. 

At the end of the day, I have come to accept that on this side of the divide, we might never really understand why some things happen. Making peace with that knowledge and God's sovereignty is pivotal in our Christian journey. Just as we can't explain why or how some good things happen, we might never really be able to put a tag on why some bad things happen. All we can do is trust God, obey Him, and believe that He always has our best interests at heart. Just as I saw in a devotional, God has put a stamp on some events with the tag, "will explain later!" 

I'm not totally out of the woods yet but I know that God is with me and day by day, I find new reasons to be thankful despite the difficult times. If you happen to be dealing with grief and are right in the middle of the battle for your faith, please be encouraged. God sees you and feels every inch of the pain you are feeling. Trust me, It won't always hurt this bad.

Love and Light

Kiki