My Faith Trials 2

If anything, I have started to understand why our emotions cannot be trusted. You know something or someone is not good for you but, your cravings and coconut head emotions are clamoring for it, so bad that you eventually give in. Now, when you give in to their demands, those same emotions turn on you and taunt you for not being strong enough to resist them. Traitors, I tell you! 

Fear not, no boy has broken my heart.😆

I have just been having deep thoughts on how powerful or powerless my emotions can be based on the level of power I give them. If you read my previous post, you would be aware of the internal battles I've been dealing with since my mom passed. It will be four months in a few days, how time flies, although it still feels like yesterday. 

I found it amazing how I could be on an emotional high for days, living my best life and feeling good, and then without warning the dark gloomy blanket of sad emotions would rest on me, plunging me into days of depression and intense sadness. I would suddenly lose interest in anything happening around me, my productivity level would drop like a meteor from the sky, and most drastic of all, I would lose appetite. Drastic? Yeah, because I like food, anything that makes me lose appetite is really bad. 😏

Anyways, I was in the middle of a happy episode when I suddenly started feeling that surge of sadness envelop me. I wanted so desperately to not give in, "let this cup pass away Lord" I prayed. Coincidentally, or not, one of the devotionals I was reading on Youversion, was focused on gratitude. And the daily task was to sit and write ten things that I was grateful for. I quickly overlooked it as I'd done with many other similar tasks prior. Don't judge me, I know you're guilty too

For some reason, I felt the pull to actually sit down and carry out the task. I didn't write it down at the time but I can still remember some of the things that popped up at the time of writing this article. I was able to come up with so many reasons to be thankful. My mom had been sick for some months before she passed, I was thankful for the moments we spent together in her final weeks. Taking care of her had been an emotionally daunting task, watching the person you cherished the most pine away day by day really did a number on my dad and me. But then, I also realized that not everyone always had that opportunity to say their goodbyes. I didn't exactly say goodbye but I am grateful that she was surrounded by family and loved ones in her final moments. 

Life is unfair and while you're busy dealing with your own loss, many people are dealing with worse. I thought about those who would forever live with the thought of the gruesome events surrounding the death of their loved ones, of those who couldn't even find a body to bury, or of those who might never know for sure if their loved ones were dead or alive. I wasn't trying to downplay my pain, only trying to find the silver lining no matter how thin, in the dark clouds that surrounded me. 

I was grateful for the support and love that was showered on me and my family from the moment she passed to the burial and even afterward. Spiritual, emotional, financial, and moral support kept us going. My partner who was with me through the crisis was a very strong shoulder to lean on for me and my family. God bless that man for me. My friend Irene spent the whole day with me and gave me a premium hair treatment that surprisingly made me feel better. Flora called morning and night for two weeks straight. Tomisin came around to bully me to happiness (she's small o, but a big bully) while still going through a very difficult time, my friends who against all odds attended the wake keep from the other end of Lagos. My friend Lauretta was always available to give an edifying word of encouragement in season. Having walked the same path I was walking less than a year ago, she exemplified 2 Corinthians 1: 3-4 to me. 

This is obviously a poor attempt at acknowledging every person who showed up for me in such a trying time. The countless messages that poured in, financial blessings, were all evidence of God's hand on my life and reassurance that He was walking with me in my pain through the angels in human form. By the time I had thought through all this, I was feeling better. This time, it wasn't that the dark clouds were gone but that the silver lining was wider and the rays of hope had pierced through so strongly I knew I could face tomorrow. 

If you ask me, I sincerely do not know what I hope to achieve by sharing all of this with you. However it impacts you, I just want you to know that thinking about the things you're grateful for is a very good substitute activity for when your emotions try to pull you down. You don't have to give in, you can try. It's not like a switch rather it's a gradual transition from worse to good to better and to best. 

Keep Hope Alive dear friend. There are definitely better days ahead! 

With Love, 

From Kiki